New Commedia dell'Arte and Mummer plays.

Introduction.
I love Mummer and Commedia plays and have performed both forms of theatre many times. I have done it in the street, at festivals and in theatres. Over this time I have workshopped and/or written a number of "modern" Commedia's and Mummer's, also I have published a small collection (with others) of modern Pagan Mummer plays (Ritual Plays by Collins M; Blair J. & Thompson E. (1998) New Wiccan Publications, Macclesfield. ISBN 0 9524148 3 X). Reproduced here in are a number of these plays which I hope you will enjoy reading and, even better, have a go at performing. If you are an amateur company I ask for not rights but I would like to hear from anyone who gives them a go. At the beginning of the Mummers section I have reprinted the prologue from the Ritual plays book which I hope will give you some ideas for how to perform them. Although it was written for a specific purpose it does encapsulate my feeling on the subject of all theatre. So please enjoy yourselves with them.

Martin Collins
martin@sandmartyn.freeserve.co.uk

CONTENTS.

MUMMER PLAYS.

Mummer 1 - The Play of the battle between the Summer & Winter Kings

COMMEDIA DELL'ARTE.

Commedia 1 - The False Woman

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MUMMER PLAYS

The Play of the battle between the Summer & Winter Kings

Enter a large man decked in furs and with a crown of twigs dragging a reluctant flowery maiden.

Winter King.
Enter I the Winter King
Snow and ice are my thing,
All-powerful here do I reign
All challengers I disdain.
See what I did catch this day
She says she is the Queen of May
A pleasant sight she is indeed
And though she does incessant plead
To let her to her lover go
I will only answer no
As she shivers in my cold.

May Queen.
Oh sir King aren't you bold
To capture me a maiden mild
Who is barely but a child
But wait until my hero comes
And with him his band of chums
He will beat you black and blue
And take that silly crown from you.

Winter King.
A lusty wench, so to the good,
For when together we are stood
Joined as man and wife to be
Your hero will be at my knee.
He'll beg me to release him then
But I shall keep him in my den,
And winter will prevail.

Exit both. Enter the Summer King.

Summer King.
Enter I the Summer King
There's little joy here to bring.
The strength I need to defeat
Winter with his grip complete
How can I rescue my sweet wife
Who is the apple of my life?

Enter the Sun.

Sun.
I am the master of the sun
Through the sky each day I run
You see me as a fiery orb
My warmth and light you do absorb.
Though at this time my power is weak
I'll help you find what you do seek.

Enter the Wind..

Wind.
For either camp I do not care
I can be just anywhere
But winters king is loud and sharp
About his greatness he does carp.
No honour does he give to me
So now your partner I will be.

Enter the rain..

Rain..
My watery power is grate just now
But I am willing here to bow
And give to you all my power
So that in your own hour
I can nurture, flow and feed
Every tree and every weed.

Summer King.
I thank you each and every one
Water, Wind and the Sun
Now I must find this Winter King
Find out where he has dug in.

Exit all. Enter Winter King and May Queen..

May Queen.
By what right do you hold
All my lands in ice and cold?
Release me now so I can bring
To all that land my breath of spring.

Winter King.
Never shall I ease my grip
No icicle will ever drip
A single drop that's melted from
My frozen bondage dark and long.

Enter Summer King, Sun, Wind and Rain..

Summer King.
Not so fast winter cur
We are here your ice to stir.
I will fight you hand to hand
Here before my merry band.
So to win the May Queens favour
None there is who could be braver
Stand and fight with sword or stave
You vile and evil, churlish knave.

Winter King.
Your challenge I do accept
At such a chance I've always leapt
Stand ready to defend yourself
For soon you will lack your health
Stave to stave we'll battle on
Don't worry, it won't take long.

Each king takes up their stave and a ritual battle ensues. The Winter King knocks the Summer King down for the count..

May Queen.
Oh me! My love is down
Must I now wear Winters crown?

Summer King.
His winter strength was to grate
Now I fear it is to late
I fear that I won't linger long
Soon I will be dead and gone.

Sun.
Not so soon my friend say I
I will warm you bye and bye.
With my loving light and heat
You will soon be on your feet.

Rain..
I will use my soothing spray
To refresh you here this day
As you drink my fresh cool due
You will stand and fight anew.

Wind..
New breath into your lungs I place
Make your blood newly race
To revive your many parts
For when the battle here restarts.

Each ministers to the Summer King who then jumps up to face the Winter King again..

May Queen.
Come on lover, beat him hard,
Kick him out yard by yard,
Here I wait for your advance
Kick him hard and make him dance
To the tune that we do play
Summer King and Queen of May.

Again the Kings fight a ritualised battle, this time the Winter King goes down..

Summer King.
This time the victory has been mine
Although the difference was quite fine.

Winter King.
I feel so weak, so drained of strength,
The days get longer in their length.
Come strike the blow to see me dead
Strike here upon my unbowed head.

May Queen.
My love, do not him kill
To spare his life should be your will
It is enough that he be beet
He does not need a winding sheet.
He is a poor pathetic thing
So few bird for him sing
You have won me back again
This victory please do not stain.

Summer King.
I will take your council good
As ever that I should.
Come my love let's leave this place
For we must enter summers chase.

All but the Winter King exit. The Winter King rises with difficulty calling after them..

Winter King.
Though victory is your this time
When next we meat it will be mine.

Exits..

THE END.

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COMMEDIA DELL'ARTE PLAYS.

THE FALSE WOMAN.

Part 1. The courtyard of a house.

Harlequin enters and sees he has an audience.

Harlequin Fine gentlemen, beautiful ladies (and any others who do not fall into either category) I give you fraternal, mighty and, especially the ladies, loving greetings. Allow me if you would to introduce myself. Harlequin is my name a fellow of fine wit, brave nature and with a member that would rival Don Juan, given half a chance.

I am on my way to visit the love of my life. A woman so sweet, so loving, so cross-legged. Her name is Columbine. It is my object to take her to my bed. It is her object to take me to the alter. I shall be the victor in these matters. Never fear, she will warm my bed.

But who is this coming here in such a fluster?

Enter Pantaloon.

Why its Master Pantaloon. Good day Signor, why this rush.

Pantaloon What? Who? Oh Master erm, erm,

Harlequin Harlequin.

Pantaloon Yes, indeed you are. Well good day to you Signor.

He makes to leave.

Harlequin Please sir not so fast. Surely there is nothing so urgent that you can not pass the time of day with a friend.

Pantaloon Of cause, you are quite correct. I am forgetting my manners I am so ataken.

Harlequin Ataken sir Pantaloon, how so.

Pantaloon Good sir Harlequin, I am afraid that Cupid has loosed his dart and struck me full in the heart.

Harlequin Knowing Cupids sense of humour it was far more likely to have been firmly up the bum.

Pantaloon Sir I am enamoured by the beauty, the wit, the eyes, the lips, the shoulders.
Pause

Harlequin Well don't stop there it was just getting to the interesting bits.

Pantaloon Sir, I can not tell a lie, I am enamoured by a woman by the name of Columbine.

Harlequin Columbine!

Pantaloon Yes, that is her name, Columbine. Music isn't it.

Harlequin Columbine? About that tall?

Pantaloon A perfect height.

Harlequin Hair like?

Pantaloon A perfect length and colour.

Harlequin Tits like?

Pantaloon Perfectly nuzzlable. Like firm ripe fruits.

Harlequin My Columbine!!!

Pantaloon Oh Master Harlequin she is all of my life and I will have her as my wife.

Harlequin Your wife!!

Pantaloon Indeed Master, I am on my way to her now so as to pop the question. Time flies and so must I. Oh Columbine my Columbine please be my wife, my love.
Exits rambling.

Harlequin He's talking about my Columbine. How dare he. How could she betray me so. I am cut to the quick. Devastated. My heart is broken and my member limp.
Columbine enters making sure that Pantaloon has gone.

Columbine [aside]So nothing new there then. [to him] Harlequin! Has he gone?

Harlequin Who?

Columbine Pantaloon. Has he gone?

Harlequin You ask me where Pantaloon is, hussy.

Columbine What! What are you talking about.

Harlequin I am talking, hussy, about you and Pantaloon. Go on, off you go to your wedding bed. See if I care.

Columbine Wedding bed! What has that old fool been talking about now?

Harlequin As if you didn't know that he is going now to meet you and wed you. He is probably proposing to you right this minuet, hussy.

Columbine Proposing to me.

Harlequin Yes.

Columbine Now. At this minuet.

Harlequin Yes.

Columbine Down on one knee offering a big gold ring with a big diamond surrounded by emeralds I suppose.

Harlequin Precisely so.

Columbine Well if that is so what am I doing here talking to you. A ring like that must be worth a fortune.

Harlequin What! How! If! When! But!

Columbine Finished?

Harlequin Yes.

Columbine Good, then I shall explain. This morning I was leaning out of my window enjoying the bright sun on my face and shoulders when who should come along....

Harlequin Who?

Columbine ......but Master Pantaloon. Well, all of a sudden he is ranting and raving about ravishing beauty and that he is going to marry and all that.

Harlequin Who was he talking about?

Columbine Me. He has been pestering me all day since. You have got to do something.

Harlequin Me? What?

Columbine Stop him pestering me.

Harlequin Me? How?

Columbine Harlequin, you do like me don't you?

Harlequin You? Yes.

Columbine And I am your sweetheart aren't I?

Harlequin Mine. Yes.

Columbine And you do desire my womanly body don't you?

Harlequin Do I??????

Columbine Then do something about Pantaloon. If you don't I will have no choice but to become his very, very, very faithful wife. You do understand my love, don't you.

Harlequin His wife?

Columbine His oh so, so, so very faithful wife.

Harlequin Faithful wife?

Columbine Chaste but never court, at least by you. You do understand me don't you my love.

Harlequin I have a dreadful feeling that I do.

Columbine Well, good. I'm off to the market. Just be sure that you have come up with something by the time I have to go home, or else that beautiful diamond ring......

Harlequin Diamond ring!

Columbine ......with all those emeralds......

Harlequin Emeralds!

Columbine What else could a girl be expected to do?
She exits.

Harlequin Oh woe is me. I am undone. My Columbine the faithful, the very faithful, the even more cross-eyed faithful wife of Pantaloon. In the immortal words of Plautus woe, woe and thrice woe is me.
Scaramush enters furtively.

Scaramush pissst....!

Harlequin I haven't touched a drop all day.

Scaramush Master Harlequin, I didn't recognise you.

Harlequin Master Scaramush.
They greet each other with an elaborate mobile greeting which they go through every time they meet or part on amicable terms.

Scaramush What, my good Master, if you don't mind me asking that is, are you doing with your head buried deep in your hands?

Harlequin I am, my good master Scaramush, undone.

Scaramush Oh is that all, here I always carry a spare just in case.

Harlequin No, its not that. Its that cursed dirty old man, Pantaloon.

Scaramush Pantaloon! Did you say Pantaloon.

Harlequin Yes Pantaloon. He has plundered my very heart. Laid waste my sole. And put pay to any chance of my exercising my accoutrements.

Scaramush The swine. Mind you are not the only one to have been wronged by that..... person.

Harlequin Not you Signor?

Scaramush Indeed me. There I was, minding my own business, perusing my legitimate fair and he turned the constables upon me.

Harlequin Dreadful.

Scaramush I hardly had the time to remove one of his money bag from his strong room.

Harlequin Pitiful.

Scaramush It comes to a fine state of affairs when one can not pursue ones legitimate affairs.

Harlequin The man must be put in his place.

Scaramush I agree. Now let us see how can we inconvenience him a little.

Harlequin Very difficult, he is only interested in money and I certainly haven't got any of that. I would expect that you don't either.

Scaramush Times, dear fellow, are indeed hard. There must be something else he is interested in.

Harlequin Only my Columbine.

Scaramush That is it.

Harlequin What, Columbine?

Scaramush No, someone who looks like Columbine, but isn't. Someone to take her place in his affection, but is not what they appear to be.

Harlequin You mean a patsy?

Scaramush If that is what you want to call yourself.

Harlequin Me! Oh no, it couldn't be me. Pantaloon knows me, it would have to be you.

Scaramush Well, I would. But my voice. It would be an immediate give away.

Harlequin Well if not you and if not me. Who?
Singing is heard off and Pierrot enters in a bit of a dream.

Harlequin . Scaramush Pierrot!.

Pierrot Hallow my friends. Isn't it a lovely day?

Scaramush Is it indeed?

Pierrot Oh yes. It is the sort of day that is made for falling in love. Or for offering a helping hand which encourages someone else to fall in love.

Harlequin Sir, if only that were so.
Harlequin begins to weep on Scaramush' shoulder.

Pierrot My good sir, what ever is wrong with our friend here.

Scaramush Dear Master Pierrot, how could you know?

Pierrot Know what?

Scaramush Friend, this poor man has been dreadfully, dreadfully wronged in love.

Pierrot Oh I am sorry, I didn't realise. Please tell me how. Then maybe I can lend a helping hand in restoring his love to him.

Scaramush Well Master Pierrot it is like this. His sweetheart, the beauteous Columbine is being courted by an older, richer man. One Pantaloon by name.

Pierrot Masters, I know this man Pantaloon's reputation. Why only a few weeks ago he set his sights on my own true love, Pierrette.

Scaramush Scandalous.

Pierrot Truly so. I would indeed like to get my own back on this wretched fellow.

Harlequin We have a plan but, well........

Pierrot Is it dangerous?

Harlequin No but..........

Pierrot Will it cause harm to a maiden.

Scaramush No, no, no, nothing like that it's just that....

Pierrot Then Masters, I demand that you allow me to take part in your plan. I will truck no refusal in this. I will give this man his comeuppance. I give no care to the risk to my life or limb, this bounder, this molester of young maidens, this mountebank, this cur, this spawn of the devil, this, this Pantaloon must be dealt with.

Harlequin ) Bravo. Well said. finest kind.

Scaramush )

Pierrot What must I do?

Scaramush All very simple really. We will dress you as a maiden and you must seduce this Pantaloon. Then, when he is all at it he shall be discovered and publicly exposed for what he is.

Pierrot You want me to be a maiden.

Harlequin To dress as one, yes.

Pierrot But, erm, I mean, I thought we were, you know.

Harlequin No. Your not chickening out are you?

Pierrot Certainly not. It's just that, well, you know.
Columbine enters.

Harlequin Here comes Columbine, she will be pleased to know we have things organised.

Columbine What are you doing dosing around here like this when my honour is at stake. I sometimes wonder if you truly love me Harlequin.

Harlequin Oh my dear, my sweetness, how could you thing such a thing. The very thought of your soft white thighs binds me to you.

Columbine What?

Harlequin Nothing my dear.

Columbine I though for a moment you were talking about my soft white thighs that will soon have to embrace the hairy buttocks of Pantaloon .

Harlequin Never. My love, I have enlisted the help of these two fine fellows and we shall put pay to this Pantaloon's tricks once and for all.

Columbine That is good to hear. How?

Harlequin Our friend Pierrot, with a little help from you, will impersonate an innocent young maiden. I'm assuming that you do still remember being one of those. In this guise he will impugn himself into the affections of Pantaloon. At this point you will surprise them and accuse him of being unfaithful to you. Your protestations will bring us to him and we will expose him to the world.

Columbine It may just work.

Pierrot Mistress Columbine we will release you of this burden, I promise.

Columbine Thank you Master Pierrot, I'm sure that you will. As for you two, go and find Pantaloon and make sure he does not come to my house until we are ready. Come Master Pierrot we have work to do.

Pierrot Oh Master Harlequin, she is wonderful. May I loose my heart to her.

Harlequin You can lose as many hearts as you like to her, just as long as you don't loose your codpiece while your at it.
Columbine and Pierrot Exit.

Scaramush My dear Harlequin you are a trusting fellow.

Harlequin As far as I can throw them both. You deal with Pantaloon, I'll watch them.
They exit in different directions.

Part 2. Inside a house.

Harlequin enters.

Harlequin It is not that I don't trust them you understand, it is just that one can never be to sure in these days of liberation. Now, where can I hide myself.
He hides himself. Columbine and Pierrot dressed as a woman enter.

Columbine No, no Master Pierrot. You need to sway as you walk.

Pierrot I'm sorry.

Columbine There is nothing to be sorry about.

Pierrot Yes I know, I'm sorry.

Columbine Now sit down and let me put some makeup on you.

Pierrot Makeup!

Columbine Yes, makeup. Come on now and don't be such a big baby.

Pierrot Well, if you must.

Columbine I must.
As Columbine puts the makeup on Pierrot Harlequin strains to see what is happening.

Harlequin What are they doing? Why is she bending over him like that? Their giggling.
He leaps out at them. Vile hussy, ungrateful cur, so this is how you repay my friendship.

Columbine Harlequin, what are you doing here.

Harlequin Wouldn't you just like to know hussy. I saw you bending over this Jappersnape. I heard your giggles as the pair of you went down for a snog.

Pierrot I'm sorry but I think I have lost the gist of this somewhere along the line.

Columbine You and me both. Harlequin what are you talking about?

Harlequin Him and you, that is what I am talking about Hussy.

Columbine I was putting makeup on him. If you would but take a look you would see that his lipstick is unsmudged. Furthermore, there is none upon me.

Harlequin Makeup?

Columbine Makeup.

Pierrot Makeup.

Harlequin Lipstick?

Pierrot Lipstick.

Columbine Lipstick.

Harlequin Sorry.

Pierrot Sorry.

Columbine Stop saying sorry.

Harlequin ) Sorry.

Pierrot )
Scaramush come rushing in.

Scaramush Quick hide, Pantaloon is coming.
Chaos as all four try to find somewhere to hide. Finally Pierrot is left alone.

Pantaloon Columbine, oh Columbine where are you my light, my dove. Oh there you are you little tease.

Pierrot Sir, you are mistaken.

Pantaloon Oh my dear I do apologise, I thought that you were Columbine.

Pierrot Well as you can see I am not. My name is Pierrette.

Pantaloon Really, how interesting. I met a Pierrette just the other day. Not you of cause. Pretty vicious little thing. Ferocious left hook. I still bear the bruise.

Pierrot How dreadful.

Pantaloon Quite so, quite so, but to business. Where did you say Columbine was?

Pierrot She out.

Pantaloon Oh poo. Will she be long.

Pierrot Weeks, she has gone to visit her mother.

Pantaloon Poo again. Still I have never been one to miss a chance and here we have a tasty, if a little shy, morsel to gratify my appetite. It seems a shame to waste these flowers, perhaps you would like them my dear.

Pierrot Oh no thank you sir. People might think that you were trying to have your wicked way with me.

Pantaloon Well maybe I am.

Pierrot Oh, Master Pantaloon, you are so wicked. I'm a good girl I am.

Pantaloon Oh come come just a little kiss.

Harlequin Stop pushing.

Scaramush I can't see.

Columbine Which ever one of you has got his hand on my bum can remove it immediately.

Harlequin But I have nowhere else to put it.

Pantaloon Surly one little kiss wouldn't hurt, now would it?

Pierrot You might be surprised. Well maybe one, but you must have your eyes closed and your hands behind you.

Pantaloon Oh poo. Very well. I'm ready.

Pierrot Just a minuet I have never done this kind of thing before. I have to build up to it.

Pantaloon Yes well please hurry up, I'm starting to get a crick in my back.
Pierrot brings Columbine forward so that she can discover them at it.

Pierrot Here we go.

Columbine So, this is your undying love for me is it Master Pantaloon.

Pantaloon Columbine, but I thought.......

Columbine I am quite aware of what you were thinking, molesting this poor innocent maiden.

Pantaloon My love, my light, it was all entirely innocent I promise you.

Columbine Is this true?

Pierrot He forced himself upon me. And me, a mere innocent unschooled in the whiles of men.
Harlequin and Scaramush come out of hiding.

Harlequin What's all this. What is going on.

Pantaloon Master Harlequin, my dear friend, there has been a dreadful misunderstanding.

Scaramush Pierrot, perhaps you can enlighten us.

Pantaloon Pierrot!!!! Your a man!!!!

Pierrot I really don't know Master Scaramush, I was just trying on my costume for the pageant, when this old man came in and demanded I kiss him.

Pantaloon I am undone. Masters, Mistress Columbine, please I beg you let this go no further.

Harlequin Well I don't know. How do we know that you won't go strait from here to molest some other unsuspecting young gentleman.

Pantaloon But I..........

Scaramush May even go after another woman.

Pantaloon Never, never again. I shall join the priesthood, but please do not destroy my reputation.

Columbine Well, if you promise.

Pantaloon I do, I do I truly promise.

Harlequin Remember, one little slip and there are four of us.

Pantaloon I understand.

Scaramush Then be off with you and never play such games again.
Pantaloon departs post-haste.

Columbine We would like to thank you both for all your help.

Pierrot It was a pleasure Mistress Columbine.

Scaramush Any time I can be of help. Mind you I think old Pantaloon had a point you know.

Harlequin )
Columbine )
What do you mean? Pierrot )What do you mean?

Scaramush I could quite fancy Pierrot dressed like that. Its all right, I'm only joking. Come on Master Pierrot, wash your face and we'll share a jug of ale together.
They exit.

Harlequin Well I got old Pantaloon off your back, didn't I.

Columbine Indeed you did my love. But if you think that that will get me onto mine you have another think coming, good Master Harlequin.
She knees him gently in the codpiece and exits.

Harlequin And so our little peace is done, and so for the rest of this week am I. Fine gentlemen, beautiful ladies, if our frivolity has pleased you we, the players, will be grateful for your applause.

Columbine But even more grateful for your money.

END.

� Martin Collins 1997

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